Are you tired? I am tired.
Can you remember the last time you weren’t tired? I don’t think I can remember the last time I even spoke to someone who wasn’t tired.
My friend used to say “Life is a rat race”. Like many people probably do, I feel my life is like ‘Groundhog Day’.
The alarm goes off, you reluctantly drag yourself out of bed, and you can pretty much predict where the day is going to go from there. While it throws you some dodgy curveballs, it pretty much stays the same. One predictable day to the next. Day after day of being tired, wondering what you need to do to get yourself out of this rut, where to start?
We add things into our lives in the hope of bringing us more meaning, enjoyment, purpose, distraction. For a short time, a burst of energy you never knew you had kicks in. You feel enthusiasm, positivity, and glad to have variation. But inevitably those new things you added to your life just get added to the endless list of things in your life which become routine and expected from you.
You have a morning routine, one that you follow to keep you on track and on time. One that you can follow in a zombie-like state without thinking through, as you have done it time and time and time again.
You are ready to go and follow the same steps throughout the day. The same journeys in the car – going everywhere on autopilot as you rarely stray from your usual routines and places.
The days get swallowed and the evenings don’t get any more interesting. Time for a few chores, meal, maybe the odd TV show, before ultimately heading off for bed (where you lie awake for hours if you are a Twitter addict or an insomniac).
After a few hours of sleep (hopefully – sometimes even up to 5 hours if you are lucky), you get to hear that glorious call that the morning has arrived, and Groundhog Day is upon us yet again. The only thing missing is Sonny and Cher.
So when I say I am tired… I mean in every sense. I am tired physically. I am tired mentally. I am tired emotionally. I feel drained and with nothing left to give some days.
But I live for the rare moments of the fizz inside me when I have something new in my life. The bubbling feeling inside me when I feel I am gaining more purpose. I live for the moments when music is able to penetrate my mood and lift my spirits.
I live for the days I feel motivated to help and engage others. I live for the days when I am distracted from the fact that I am tired. I live for the days when I realise and remember who I really am – a wife, a daughter, a friend. These are the days I battle for. These are the days I fight the stigma of mental health for. These are the days I run the rat race & face the repetition of Groundhog Day for.
These are the days that I am the ‘real’ me.